Who, Me? Cynical About Press Releases?
[Headline Including One or More of the Following Words: Free, Virtual, Next-generation, Momentum, Market-leader, or Acquisition.]
[US CITY THAT IS NOT WHERE THIS CORPORATION PAYS TAXES] — [Corporation With A Name That Does Not Mean Anything] (R) today released [Product Named By Marketing Consultants] (TM). This [hypejective] product promises to [finally do things the original version should have done a year ago, and for less money].
"We're very excited," said [Executive Title] [Name of White Guy]. "[Some obviously false bullshit targeted at institutional investors and stock brokers.]"
[Product Named By Marketing Consultants] will be available on [date that is a blatant lie] in [a place nowhere near you].
[Corporation With A Name That Does Not Mean Anything] is a market leader in [over-hyped industry that it is only arguably a part of]. It [synonym for "exploded"] into prominence when [one of our executives who used to be a consultant] [billed about twice as many hours as he actually worked, doing work that was thrown away, on a Vastly Successful Brand for Some Other Corporation With A Name That Does Not Mean Anything, that corporation's business being tenuously — at best — related to the business of this one].
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For more information, contact [name of a person who will read this press release out loud to you, but slowly, like you're retarded] at [phone number that is an entry point to voice-mail hell].
Comments
You forgot "Some of the statements in this article are forward-looking, so it's not our fault if you believe our hype and lose the millions you invest in our company. Thanks for the cash, though, it will help with the boat payments."
You forgot to include the phrase "space" - "space" is an essential element in superior BS. As in, "BogusCorp is a vibrant new entrant in the _____ space." Insert personal mobility, digital, IT-driven, etc.
Brilliant.
I can't wait for the competition's response:
"We here at [Older, More Dated Name That Doesn't Mean Anything, Inc.] applaud [Competition's] entry into the [overhyped industry]. However, we feel compelled to point out that [Competition's] product fails to duplicate they myriad of options our [Older, More Expensive, Less Capable Product] provides. Additionally, we are looking into [Competition's] unauthorized use of [Older, More Expensive Less Capable Product's] patented [Hypernoun Made Into a Verb]. We hope that this matter can be resolved [Adjective That Means "Fair" But Leaves Open The Possibility of Winning a Litigation Lottery] and are working with our [Savage Shark-like Patent Lawyers Who Won't Leave Even the Summer Intern's Shirt on His Back] to reach that goal."
It's amazing how good people are at parsing marketing bullshit, and yet these companies keep churning it out.
Required reading on this subject: The Cluetrain Manifesto.
I second the "brilliant."